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10 Worst Consoles of All Time
Coldguy - guest contributor - posted on Thursday, 05/08/08 15:42:50 EDT
Wow, it has been a while hasn’t it? This is Coldguy back and better than ever. As Nick already stated I was in college and for those who are about to graduate, you knew exactly what I was going through. So now college is complete, and the writing can come freely again, hurray!
Now I wanted to talk about something about video games that has been affecting me these past few months, the withdrawal syndrome. Basically while in college I haven’t been able to play any videogames and wanted to talk about how a gamer can go through these troubling times. Then I checked my email and found something that pissed me off so much that it just had to wait for another day.
Whenever you see top 10 lists, you know up front there is going to be a bias towards something. It could be part of the list, or could be the entire thing. There is no real top 10 list that is going to satisfy everyone, with that being said someone showed me a “Top 5 worst console” list. I knew that some usual suspects will be on there, however when I saw the lineup of this list, it got me so angry that I was steaming for days! I would link to the blog that posted this garbage, however they do not even deserve the traffic of you going to see it. So I will simply do the list of the top five as I saw it for you:
5. Virtual Boy
4. Sega Saturn
3. Dreamcast
2. Sega 32X
1. Sega Genesis
Words cannot describe how far this list is off, how in the hell do you have the Sega Genesis as the worst console ever. I mean, even SNES fans will tell you it is a good system, and in the 16 bit wars it dominated most of the time, and the lineup of games are incredible. Also THE DREAMCAST! I mean the console that Microsoft based the Xbox off of, is the third worst? Wow…I do mean wow…to say this list was bad is merely an understatement to the rift it has caused in the gaming world. So instead of firing holes into the explanation of each item I decided to do one better: the top 10 worst gaming systems of all time. Pay attention, this is really the bottom of the barrel.
10. N gage
Oh little N gage, you were hyped beyond hell but failed so miserably. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to be a console that made phone calls or a phone that played games. Your games were innocent and the number pad is something that was not made for them. Sure you had a few good games, but the battery life and the screen size just did not work. For not being able to make calls or play games, you are number 10.
9. Atari 5200
32 points of sensitivity, this was a marketing campaign slogan for these controllers will break if breathed upon. Games on the system were plentiful, damn good ones too, but if you cannot play the games then why do you need the system. The 2600 took care of most of the games you wanted to play so unless you were really into graphics you didn’t need to get the system. People to this day try to find ways to repair these controllers, from gold connector sets to making better controllers to use in the system. To say the machine is a floatation device to store emergency equipment would be a complaint to the oh’ so popular “power box” idea they had going. For just screwing up a system so bad that people would rather play the competitors game systems this gets the number 9 spot.
8. Odyssey
RALPH BAER IS A GAMING GOD!
Without him there is no such thing as the video game, hell he was award the national medal of technology in 2006 because of his work, however this system is something that even classic collectors’ cringe upon owning. Granted there was no real model to go off of as to what gaming is for, and many games require you to use cards and other physical objects in order to play them, and the pixilated solid colors were neat in the 70s, however drove people to sickness 10 minutes later. He made it up with the Odyssey 2, which is a pretty good system for its time. It saddens me to put something that Ralph has made on the list, however it must be done, and the odyssey is number 8.
7. Atari Lynx
Ah Atari’s attempt to take over the handheld market went so wrong. Like the game gear, the console had no chance of dethroning game boy from its pedestal. However unlike the game gear, there was absolutely, positively no reason to get this system, there were NO games worth playing. I do mean NO GAMES WORTH PLAYING. Even when they ported Ninja Gaiden, they picked the POS arcade version instead of a good console one. The battery life was a joke, the console is clucky as all hell to use, and the lack of third party support simply did not help its cause. Also it is the reason Epyx went under which saddens so many people (including myself). Sorry Atari you got number 7 as well.
6. Atari Jaguar
Wow…just wow. A 64 bit console in the 16 bit wars, how could it fail? I will tell you how with the worst 3d rendering I have ever seen. When Starfox beat out tempest 2000, you really screwed up. The controller was specifically designed for one game, Alien v Predator, and of course it had to use a number pad. Why in the world do we need a number pad in a game? Can’t the movement of an actual D pad be worth it? Better yet, a WORKING D PAD would be fine, but oh no, we had to screw that up as well, and unless you can solder your brains out, you are not getting it to work. There is no good games to make a gold connector for; tempest 2000 was better played in an arcade anyway, and when the main game of the console came out, the first page had an apology for releasing the game a year after the console was “dead”. Yet another Atari console, at number 6.
5. Sega Pico
Oh how could I bash a gaming system that was solely made for children? Simple, because the competitors fixed everything Sega screwed up on. The control was on a touch pad that impossible to calibrate, the games on it made even a child cry, and the competitors knew that their product was better by completely ignoring its existence. I had the experience of seeing a 4 year old try to play this garbage and asking if they could play Barney’s hide and seek on the Sega Genesis again. Yes it was just that bad that even their market focus knew it was a bad idea. That’s low, low enough to get the number 5 spot.
4. Fairchild Channel F
Remember what I said about the Odyssey? Take that and apply it here, but this time give it NO REDEEMING QUALITIES. Yes this was the second console to ever grace this earth and tried to get into the business by basically ripping off the Odyssey, however add no skilled programmers and no fun and you get this console. At least with the Odyssey you could play games, on this one you just randomly mash buttons and hope the game actually works, for just failing so bad you get number 4 channel fuck.
3. Tiger Electronic Handhelds
All of them, yes all of them are on here. The game and watch perfected the handheld with its simple game play, enjoyable music and perfect challenge on the go. The Tiger takes everything good about them and shits all over it. The battery life was a joke, the music was nonexistent, the beep would make your ear bleed in pain, and the games had a challenge curve that a blind gamer would complain about, when you get one there was no joy, but utter suffering as you slowly repeated the same task over and over again to badly licensed materials that crowded Toys R Us shelves for innocent parents to ruin the hopes and dreams of a child. Tiger gets number 3, oh what could fail more than this?
2. Phillips CDi
It is quite sad when the 3D0 is better then you and worst when you piss off someone so much it entered the business just to take the domination away from you. Nintendo screwed Sony, they made the Playstation, and Phillips came in and created this monstrosity for history. Think of a DVD player right now playing Super Mario Bros with bad voice acting, and FMVs that made the Sega CD look like blue ray. Yes that was the CDi, there was a Mario World sequel that no one ever wants to think about (Mario’s Hotel) and 3 Zelda games that even Zelda fans pretend that do not exist. One of which I had the horrid time of buying, playing, beating, and then crying on how bad it was. On top of that add a controller that jammed when pressed, the curb appeal of a crack house, and a library that sported an encyclopedia as a major hit title. No wonder they kept with cartridge when making the jump to the n64, this is number 2.
1. Game.com
This is without a doubt the worst system to ever be conceived of and even made the Cybiko more appealing to own. Let’s break it down. A touch screen dot matrix monitor, black and white color scheme, 2 game slots for the 9 games there were, a “wireless” internet module via dialup, a screen that you had to point at to play games that required you to look at the screen, the buttons breaking after one push, the lack of battery support (one hour for 4 batteries), the power cable that could catch on fire, and the whirring noise that happens when you move the system while it was powered on. You know why a QA department exists? It was due to this piece of garbage that never should have existed in the first place. This is without a doubt the worst console EVER.
Notice something? No real arguments on this list. Sure you can argue about the all the Atari picks and why the hell the 3D0, virtual boy, master system, turbo express, wonder swan, neo geo, or any other system that is notorious for sucking to replace something on the list. I like those systems and I approach their own charm they brought into the market, and I can note that they are not the best, but certainly not the worst. Like I mentioned before there is no real top 10 list that is going to satisfy everyone, however at least on my list I give valid reasons for why they are where they are and simply didn’t post lines like “it would have been higher on the list but it was made by Nintendo,” and “The reason it was number one is because this system was the precursor to other shitty systems.”
So to the shitty blog post, I have officially not only made a better list of shitty consoles, but did it in a way where people can simply talk about their opinion about my decisions. You have been officially bitch slapped. To the fans, I will see you next time where I actually talk about what I wanted to talk about, gaming withdrawal.